“One of these days, your heart will stop and play it’s final beat.”
- Foo Fighters. Wasting Light. RCA, 2011. CD.
This song. This song.
I distinctly recall standing on sore feet in the Wells Fargo Center, half deaf already, holding Marcus’ hand and hearing Dave Grohl weave his lyrics through my bleeding ears. I shouted along with the rest of the crowd as tears streamed down my face. As the words rolled off my quivering lip I remembered that call, almost two months to the day, when my world started to melt around me. I almost lost a very special person – one of my rocks. This song brings back all those memories, but somehow makes me that much stronger than the puddle I was on September 12, 2011. That event forced me to realize that I would be facing adult-like challenges in the future. I would have to be strong; I would need to overcome all fear.
I put so much passion in to my Tough Mudder training. I had everything to prove – to myself AND to others. I attempted to run from the darkness that aggressively attempted to swallow me. With each push up I felt closer to eternal life. Every bruise, sore muscle and blister was just another badge of honor – a small sacrifice to disappear. Don’t misunderstand – I was scared shitless. I tried to train the memory away, but it only faded slightly. I’ll spare you the Mudder details such as the cold wind, icy water and beaten legs. We started as a team and ended as a team, but there was one thing that I had to tackle on my own – THE PLANK.
I am deathly afraid of heights. My heart races, palms sweat and my body gets numb. I knew that I would need to climb walls and cargo nets, but I’d have the help of my team to get me through. The Plank is a 15’ leap off a ledge into a freezing cold pond. Give me a break. I knew it was coming; I was dreading it. There would only be two options: Go for it or chicken out. I can’t recall how far we’d gone, but I could see the infamous Plank in the distance. Nothing changed; I was overcome with fear. As I approached, I decided it would be easier on me if I just went for it. I picked up my pace and pulled away from my team. I got a good boost and scaled that wall like it was my mission in life.
I pulled myself up to the ledge and started screaming at all the people. “FUCKIN’ JUMP ALREADY”; “JUST FUCKIN’ DO IT”. I definitely scared some poor girl and the guy in front of me jumped to save himself. Then. It was. My. Turn. Something inside me called the shots. Without any thought I walked off the edge. The fall lasted less than two seconds. The cold water shocked my body and for a moment I thought I was going to drown; I might have even died for a minute. I never touched the bottom, but an eternity passed before I bobbed up to the surface. My feet were heavy as I tried to swim to the muddy bank. People were there waiting for me. I struggled to reach out as they pulled me out of the water. I got back on my own two feet and realized that I was okay.